Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Subordinate to Inconsideration

There is a difference between pity and understanding. One is inconsiderate and doesn't last; the other, is truly defined by redemption, tolerance, compassion, and respect. I feel like people can be truly inconsiderate of my feelings, needs, and emotions. Now, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t mention that I’ve been guilty of this myself. In any case, here are my issues and concerns:

First, I have Cerebral Palsy and am currently rehabilitating a, slow-healing, hamstring injury. Please, don’t assume that I can keep physical pace with you. Frankly, I never could before the injury; however, this lack of consideration in light of the injury makes me feel belittled, disrespected, and inferior. This frustrates me. Nonetheless, I would hope that the average person can respect that there are some things I simply cannot or should not do and it is not because I’m lazy. Honestly, I hate even talking about my limitations because I’ll push myself harder to keep pace with other people. I’m sensitive about saying the words, “I can’t do that” or “I shouldn’t do that.” If someone tells me to, “suck it up,” the problem is, I will, and I won’t tell them that I don’t appreciate their lack of consideration

Second, I haven’t found a job yet and have, more or less, tapped out my bank account. I tell people this every day and I do not enjoy it. In truth, I loathe it because I feel like a leach and a broken record. I don’t want to put anyone in the position of feeling obligated to pay for me. I don’t have a job and went bankrupt; unfortunately, school loans are not easily covered under bankruptcy. I hope one can be considerate of the fact that the imposition of my situation on others causes me great pain.

Third, I joke about being an “asshole” or a “bitch” because it helps me deal with the hurt and because, sometimes, I actually believe those things must be true if people say them about me. Honestly, I’d rather not feel like I’m perceived to be an “asshole” (though I do accept that I can be and have been known to be arrogant). In relation, the term “bitch” has a similar effect to “asshole,” but it’s more because I feel like one – subordinate to the will of others – because I can’t bring myself to say, “No.” Frankly, I only have one friend who has ever truly acknowledged these realities, without me saying something, and I love him for it.

Forth, I have become more passive-aggressive than I ever have been because so many people told me that I didn’t treat people with diplomacy. In response, I drastically reduced my use of colorful language in my writings, I accepted responsibility for being unemployed, I swallowed my hurt and frustration when I felt offended, and I even censored one of my songs. In turn, I resemble someone who is passive-aggressive and cannot communicate their feelings. I keep more silent than one might think, out of diplomacy, tact, professionalism, and a desire to pay my bills again someday. “The Man” wins, I will play “the game,” but I ask people to consider the cost – I engage in the idea of diplomacy willingly, not because I like it, but because my will has been broken – in caging all that is “negative” about my personality, there have been many positive casualties.

Fifth, my lovely “liberal” friends, tolerance and diversity is a great pursuit, but one must be considerate enough to their more “conservative” opponents to achieve this goal (yes, I know I am guilty of failing to do this). On the flip side, my “conservative” brothers and sisters, if I disagree with you on ethics that does not make me immoral – nor does it mean I have low standards. It is one thing to champion for the acceptance and equality of the LGBTQ communities and individuals in the courts and the Church; it is another to single any group out, as if to say, the courts and the Church only alienate this one group of people. It is one thing to say or imply that homosexuality is a sin – a question I find irrelevant for a number of reasons – it is another to be a part of the Church and deny compassion, love, and grace to anyone for any reason. In a balanced, moderate, clarification, I love the LGBTQ individuals I have met, so does Jesus, they can and do produce amazing work in the name of God, and I’m not concerned with whether or not it’s a sin.

In juxtaposition, I want to extend all people groups the same love, respect, compassion, and grace because everyone needs these things. I will not place a greater emphasis on loving any one group (“liberal,” “conservative,” GLBTQ, Evangelical, agnostic, atheist, or otherwise). Love the sinner, love the saint, and leave the redemption of sin – and/or the perception of sin – to the Lord. Why do we hate when the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a proclamation of love? In the words of Lady Gaga, “I want to love you, but something’s pulling me away from you; Jesus is my virtue, Judas is the demon I cling to.” This, my friends, is the result of Original Sin, which alienates us all more than any one sin or sins.

Finally, I share these things not seeking pity, not seeking rebellion, not seeking a fight, not indulging in immorality (or the perception thereof) Ultimately, I share with you so you may understand that I feel subordinate to inconsideration.

1 comment:

  1. It's not your fault you're stuck in the economic situation you're in. Education shouldn't cost this much, especially education preparing folks for the ministry. It's just a shitty system.

    I also find it easier to talk about the variables rather than ignore them. Some people will hope you keep up so they don't look like they're being rude... it's just not an easy conversation for some people to have. However, I personally think it's easier to discuss any 'limitation' you may feel you have and then figure it out via experience from there... just keep an open discussion and it's all good.

    Also, stop writing books and calling it a blog