"The Dark Passenger:" Today's Sinner-Saint Narrative

The human condition sees many of us struggle with the “Sinner-Saint Complex.” But, perhaps, this historical paradigm falls on deaf ears for many young people today; as spirituality becomes more prevalent than bring religious. In light of a perceived paradigm shift, I turn to entertainment to illustrate this archetype of human nature. The TV hit, Dexter, speaks of a “Dark Passenger;” folks, this is the “Sinner-Saint Complex” at its best (or its worst, depending on how you look at it).

The “Dark Passenger,” is that internal component of the human mind that drives our selfish desires. In contrast, “The Code of Harry” (the show’s representation of light and good) lives in tension with the “Dark Passenger.” Why do light and darkness present themselves in the form(s) of a complex? In short, Original Sin (Lutherans call this the Bondage of the Will and Reformed traditions call it Total Depravity). How does Original Sin cause us to live in tension with “The Code” (saint) and “The Passenger” (sinner)? It is the fact that we cannot rid ourselves of one or the other. We are both saint and sinner.

One doesn’t have to be like the Dexter character (a serial killer) to need their own “Code of Harry” or to struggle with their own “Dark Passenger.” This is the human condition, this is the bonded will, this is the totally depraved, and this is our nature. Now, how do we reconcile this reality? There are a few common routes people take; first, we can fight our “Dark Passenger” making sure we live every letter of our “Code of Harry.” Second, we can deny our “Passenger” and conclude that we don’t need a “Code” if there is no “Passenger.” Third, we can give into our “Dark Passenger” and wallow in a state of constant misery, rage, depression, lust, hatred, envy, etc. Fourth, we can receive the external grace we need because “The Code of Harry” is not enough to overcome the “Dark Passenger.”

The first option (living “the Code”) might make you a saint, but you’ll still be a sinner. The second choice (denial) is the illusion of Free Will (so, good luck with that). The third – a concession – indulgence of “The Dark Passenger;” The Fall, without hope of redemption. The fourth, a contrast to all the others, finds us covered in grace; sanctified by “the Code,” bound to the “Dark Passenger,” and redeemed by the external grace of God.  

  

Subordinate to Inconsideration

There is a difference between pity and understanding. One is inconsiderate and doesn't last; the other, is truly defined by redemption, tolerance, compassion, and respect. I feel like people can be truly inconsiderate of my feelings, needs, and emotions. Now, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t mention that I’ve been guilty of this myself. In any case, here are my issues and concerns:

First, I have Cerebral Palsy and am currently rehabilitating a, slow-healing, hamstring injury. Please, don’t assume that I can keep physical pace with you. Frankly, I never could before the injury; however, this lack of consideration in light of the injury makes me feel belittled, disrespected, and inferior. This frustrates me. Nonetheless, I would hope that the average person can respect that there are some things I simply cannot or should not do and it is not because I’m lazy. Honestly, I hate even talking about my limitations because I’ll push myself harder to keep pace with other people. I’m sensitive about saying the words, “I can’t do that” or “I shouldn’t do that.” If someone tells me to, “suck it up,” the problem is, I will, and I won’t tell them that I don’t appreciate their lack of consideration

Second, I haven’t found a job yet and have, more or less, tapped out my bank account. I tell people this every day and I do not enjoy it. In truth, I loathe it because I feel like a leach and a broken record. I don’t want to put anyone in the position of feeling obligated to pay for me. I don’t have a job and went bankrupt; unfortunately, school loans are not easily covered under bankruptcy. I hope one can be considerate of the fact that the imposition of my situation on others causes me great pain.

Third, I joke about being an “asshole” or a “bitch” because it helps me deal with the hurt and because, sometimes, I actually believe those things must be true if people say them about me. Honestly, I’d rather not feel like I’m perceived to be an “asshole” (though I do accept that I can be and have been known to be arrogant). In relation, the term “bitch” has a similar effect to “asshole,” but it’s more because I feel like one – subordinate to the will of others – because I can’t bring myself to say, “No.” Frankly, I only have one friend who has ever truly acknowledged these realities, without me saying something, and I love him for it.

Forth, I have become more passive-aggressive than I ever have been because so many people told me that I didn’t treat people with diplomacy. In response, I drastically reduced my use of colorful language in my writings, I accepted responsibility for being unemployed, I swallowed my hurt and frustration when I felt offended, and I even censored one of my songs. In turn, I resemble someone who is passive-aggressive and cannot communicate their feelings. I keep more silent than one might think, out of diplomacy, tact, professionalism, and a desire to pay my bills again someday. “The Man” wins, I will play “the game,” but I ask people to consider the cost – I engage in the idea of diplomacy willingly, not because I like it, but because my will has been broken – in caging all that is “negative” about my personality, there have been many positive casualties.

Fifth, my lovely “liberal” friends, tolerance and diversity is a great pursuit, but one must be considerate enough to their more “conservative” opponents to achieve this goal (yes, I know I am guilty of failing to do this). On the flip side, my “conservative” brothers and sisters, if I disagree with you on ethics that does not make me immoral – nor does it mean I have low standards. It is one thing to champion for the acceptance and equality of the LGBTQ communities and individuals in the courts and the Church; it is another to single any group out, as if to say, the courts and the Church only alienate this one group of people. It is one thing to say or imply that homosexuality is a sin – a question I find irrelevant for a number of reasons – it is another to be a part of the Church and deny compassion, love, and grace to anyone for any reason. In a balanced, moderate, clarification, I love the LGBTQ individuals I have met, so does Jesus, they can and do produce amazing work in the name of God, and I’m not concerned with whether or not it’s a sin.

In juxtaposition, I want to extend all people groups the same love, respect, compassion, and grace because everyone needs these things. I will not place a greater emphasis on loving any one group (“liberal,” “conservative,” GLBTQ, Evangelical, agnostic, atheist, or otherwise). Love the sinner, love the saint, and leave the redemption of sin – and/or the perception of sin – to the Lord. Why do we hate when the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a proclamation of love? In the words of Lady Gaga, “I want to love you, but something’s pulling me away from you; Jesus is my virtue, Judas is the demon I cling to.” This, my friends, is the result of Original Sin, which alienates us all more than any one sin or sins.

Finally, I share these things not seeking pity, not seeking rebellion, not seeking a fight, not indulging in immorality (or the perception thereof) Ultimately, I share with you so you may understand that I feel subordinate to inconsideration.

The Fear of Money

The love of money may be the root of all evil, but what about the fear of money? It goes without saying that one needs money to pay bills, buy food, and survive. Unfortunately, money is not limitless and sometimes we do not have enough of it to make ends meet. That fear is my immediate future. I know I’m not alone in economic struggle, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared.

Honestly, it’s hard for me to admit that not being able to pay my bills makes me fearful because I’ve never liked being attached to money. I never thought I’d be out of work this long, with the interest on school loans racking up, and savings depleting because  bills are more than I bring in each month.

Thankfully, my dad is kind enough to let me live with him for free and feed me as often as he can afford (which he probably does more than he actually should because he doesn’t want me not eating). Also, many of my friends have helped me out whenever they could from meals to taking me traveling for a little piece of mind.

Recently, I’ve talked a lot about how the feeling of failure has weighed down on me mentally and emotionally, but the fear of going bankrupt is a different animal. I am so scared and so overwhelmed by the $108,000 debt that continues to grow in interest. I have tried virtually every avenue of finding employment that I can and continue to come up empty handed.

Thus far, the combination of savings and government assistance have been a blessing that has provided me with funds for three times the amount of time it should have. Nonetheless, if I do not land a job that can begin to rebound my financial deficit, immediately, the rubber will meet the road and I will be bankrupt (and school loans are not easily covered through such action).

In closing, I share my financial worries with you today because I know I’m not alone. I know I need all the prayers I can get and I’m hoping those prayers will bring about a miracle. I believe in miracles (some say I am one) and I haven’t been in such dire need for a miracle in a long time. Thank you for the support and the prayers. Lord, I’m crying for help, please don’t let that go unnoticed.

Dancing with Anger

Anger used to dominate my behavioral reactions to situations in life. Since 2006, I have put in a lot of time and effort to improve that reality and make anger less of a factor in my life.  I hate being angry because it has so much potential to escalate to  unhealthy levels. I enjoy being kind to people and understanding of people. Occasionally, I find myself feeling as though that kindness and attempt at gentleness get mistreated.

Nonetheless, efforts to minimize my anger and be more constructive have, for the most part, paid off. I have noticed a lot less volatility in my life over the past five years. I’m very grateful to a short list of counselors for helping me establish boundaries and find constructive expression. Progress aside, I still dance with anger from time-to-time and when that happens I feel like I’m Dr. Jekyll, transforming into Mr. Hyde. I thank my dad for showing me, through his own stories and experiences, that being angry is not how I wanted to live and counseling helped me work that out.

Now, when I dance with anger, it’s almost hard to believe that I can still go into that anger zone. Dancing with anger is an honest reminder that I can make progress in my life, I can seek a low stress and laid back way of life, I can be as gentle as they come, and I will never eliminate the ability to tap into anger because of the sin condition.

Finally, consider this as a thank you to those who have paid me compliments, telling me that I am “articulate” and an “inspiration;” I’ve been really thankful for those kind words because they remind me there is decent stuff to fight for in life. Although, I may not combat my anger flawlessly, fighting against the dance with anger is better for my health.

Lost in Transition

The events of life change us and I doubt this truth escapes the reality of being human. Dreams are often a core motivation for how and why people persevere in life. Occasionally, our dreams change or they change us.

As a result, I find that I am lost in transition. The challenge of having new goals is in determining what they are and how to fulfill a new dream. A large part of this transition period has been deep reflection on how and why I’m letting old dreams go and looking for new dreams. Past dreams have been a blessing, an accomplishment, an honor, and an endurance workout. But, sometimes, we want something so bad that it defines us, redefines us, and potentially breaks us.

Right now, my dreams are broken or, just plain, out of gas. Before I can move on to finding and embracing new dreams, I have to make amends for the old one. I owe a handful of women an apology (I would do this with you personally, but I’d rather leave the past behind us). I’m sorry for any word I’ve said or deed I’ve done between us to hurt you. At I move forward, it's time to focus on something else.

In time, I will no longer be lost in transition; I will have found a life-changing dream that proves to be what dreams are made of in life. Dreams have been very humbling because I finally had my dream in the palm of my hand and realized that now isn’t the time for that dream.

Honestly, writing this was unpleasant for me, but I felt I needed to admit it. I thank God for the grace of Christ through the work of the cross, without it, I can’t image how much more this would sting. Here’s to letting go of old dreams, here’s to embracing new dreams, and here’s to what dreams may come.