Wednesday, May 11, 2011

For Your Entertainment

If Sam Kinison (Google him) can go from preaching to comedic relief, why can't I? "Dude, don’t quit your day job." Since I don’t have a job, the jokes are for you.

The following is for entertainment purposes only, enjoy. 

Apparently, I don’t want to date anymore. I must be broken. What do people who don’t want to date do with their time? I could become a work-a-holic, but that sounds about as enjoyable as a frying pan to the head If that’s your thing, it’s cool, but I’d rather get paid for a job well done, not a job overdone. Seriously, what do the dating-disinterested or the dating-disillusioned do? I mean, they can’t all be nuns.

Frankly, I’ve never met a nun – they might be cool chicks – but I doubt we’d ever know because religious people aren’t funny. Have you ever laughed at a religious person? Okay, I have, too. But, it wasn’t because they told a joke. Relax, I’m religious – I have to be…tattoo removal is expensive.

Long story short, I’ve got these blood-covered tattoo crosses (people always wig out about the blood on them). One has Hebrew words, many Christians have asked me about, and the other looks like I drew it myself...oh, wait, I did. As for the Hebrew word, it’s “Yahweh” – it means Lord. I think Christians have heard that one before. “Ooh, you put vowels in it that’s not correct.” How else would people like to read it on my arm? “Y, H, W, H….” I can see it now, “what’s that mean?” "It means I’m tuning in radio frequencies, what do you think it means? You know I can’t spell."

Honestly, I’m a Christian. No, that’s not the joke. I’m a Christian who likes to make fun of myself a little. I spend all day speaking a different language. Evangelicals call it “Christianese,” but I don’t talk like that – I’m in recovery – so, it’s more like Theolo-vomit. It's a dialect of theological words that's become so second nature, the words spew from my mouth. It’s no wonder I’m disillusioned on dating. Naturally, chicks should dig me for my ancient-geek-speak. I’m disinterested in dating because I cannot fathom why a woman wouldn’t find my ego endearing. I mean, I do, but I’m full of myself.

Let me tell you, narcissism is an ugly thing and, no, it’s not because I have to look at myself in the mirror. Narcissism is ugly because I’m the only one buying into my own hype. I shudder when I think about it. Surely, I’ve told every lady on the short list of women I’ve dated, about how great I am. I’m great alright, great at being Good Luck Chuck. If you haven’t seen the movie, this is all you need to know; if I date you, your odds of getting married just went up. It’s not me you’ll marry – they’ll probably be cuter, far less egotistical, goal oriented, and athletic…all things that disqualify me.

If you’re feeling sorry for me, don’t. I think I’m decently attractive (when I don’t talk) and I have goals (now that I don’t date). Everything I said in here is true with moderate exaggeration (I’m a guy, it’s what we’re good at) but it was meant for your entertainment. Warning, no Christians, women, narcissists, nuns, or Evangelicals were meant to be harmed in the making of this blog entry.

Have a goodnight, good day, good life, wherever you are,

Go in peace and serve the Lord,

Thanks be to God.

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