Monday, April 25, 2011

Deconstructing and Rebuilding Dreams

In order for me to build new dreams, I have to deconstruct the dreams that have shaped who I am today. For over five years, I’ve been an active Youth Worker (as a volunteer and a professional)  and it is hard to see what is next for me in the ministry world. For more years than I can count, I’ve had one dream and that is to fall madly in love. These two things have driven my passions, brought out controversy, given me the times of my life, covered me in doubt, allowed me to give with more than I ever imagined possible, and left me very humbled. In fact, love and ministry have defined me – they have left me a changed man.

In a few of my posts, I have made it clear that my dream to be in love has undergone some serious evaluation and change. The question is, what do I do with those reevaluations? There are moments where I think the best thing for me would be to step away from dating altogether and pursue other goals. Yet, those moments are balanced with a desire not to sink into cynicism – I’ve been there and it’s not where I want to live. In turn, the best thing for me is to focus on my new developing goals and let love happen in the right timing. Of course, I’m not sure what that is because I’m notorious for bad timing. What is clear, is that my life is changing, and I don’t want to be stuck hurting over the way things have gone or dwelling on how I wish they would go differently.

In similar fashion, my time in the ministry field has had its share of ups and downs; it’s left me pondering what’s next and I’m not sure I have a clear idea. I love ministry, but ministry and I have sometimes been a dysfunctional family. It’s no secret that I’ve pushed the envelope, that I’ve created controversy at times, or that my attitude hasn’t always been in the game. The measure of my skills and character have been tested many times, but nothing like this past year. Right or wrong, I made mistakes in learning how to run a ministry that cost me my job and nothing has humbled me more than this experience. All I can do, is hope to move forward. I love God and I love ministry, but I need some inspiration. Thankfully, one of my best friends knew that I had love and talent for ministry and brought me onto his ministry team – it’s helped bring out smiles.

Nonetheless, my career and my life have been stuck because of the past. I constantly ponder whether this level of transparency helps or hurts my standing in ministry. This never-ending pondering, makes me wonder if my time in ministry has hit a precipice for change, letting go, and growing forward. I am not ready to retire from the ministry life.

In the past year, I feel as though I’ve found my limits or they have found me. Whether in love or ministry, I am on my knees, praying and seeking forgiveness. I want to live a dream. I’m the one that has to look myself in the mirror each day and realize that this is not where I wanted or expected my life to be after the journeys I’ve been blessed to have. Therefore, I pray for strength to have hope in a dream, confidence in my skills and abilities, and light in the midst of darkness. Lord, I need some inspiration, strength, and the ability to endure; so that I might share the gifts you’ve given me to inspire others.

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