Minister for Life

Ministry is more than a job; it is life – messy, versatile, eclectic, joyous, sad, unpredictable, fun, and challenging – it is not always easy to gauge success versus failure. As a minister, I’ve made real friends, seen real tears, witnessed real blessings, made honest mistakes, encouraged real discipleship, endured failures, and experienced real success. Ministry is real life – not edited for TV – and it is the living call to express the real promises of God.

I’ve loved my six years in the ministry field. Sometimes it’s hard to hear from youth I once led, when they tell me they don’t believe in the God of the cross or the real promises of Christ. Yet, my ears and my heart open to these people. My life as a minister doesn’t end when I leave a church context. Every story is important to me. I feel privileged when people, I’ve preached the Gospel of Christ to, come to me with their stories, doubts, questions, and so on. Life doesn’t stop when things don’t go as we’d hoped; neither does ministry.

All of my youth kids, from all of the ministries I’ve been involved with, your story matters. You matter. I’m still listening (whether you consider Jesus your savior or not). I am a minister and I am here for you, should you need someone to tell your story. I believe that God loves you and that the cross is the answer to our doubts. May I meet you with love and grace – as I believe Christ does – wherever you may be in life and/or faith.    

Thanksgiving: Redefining "Family" as God Redeems the Raw and Gritty

It is Thanksgiving weekend and I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I am thankful for the God of the cross who has carried me through one breath at a time. God gave me everything. It is through the gifts of God that I live in grace and redemption.

I understand God through the event of the cross and the cross is the lens I look through to see life. I am blessed. Sure, this past year or so has been like, a cinematic tragedy, and I’ve spewed a fair amount of raw and gritty emotions. Now is not the time for raw and gritty.

I’m thankful for my family and friends; without whom, I might be singing a darker tune today. But, God gave me you, wonderful people to share life with; so, I’ll be damned, if I’m not going to stop and feel the love long enough to say thank you.

In 28 years, I have only missed Thanksgiving with family on two occasions. In 2009, I spent a memorable day with some of my close friends at Trinity. Honestly, a handful of my friends are an extension of my family; therefore, Thanksgiving, to me, is about family (relative and friend). In turn, I may have spent Turkey Day in 2009 and 2011 apart from relatives, but I was still with my family (thank you Lance and Jeff, I love you guys)!

I’ve spent this weekend thinking of family (friend and relative) missing the family who I could not be with, share a meal with, pray with, laugh with, and love face-to-face. It’s been a warming reflection. I laughed as I remembered last year living with Grandma, being banned from the kitchen due to Mono, and sneaking in to carve the turkey as my last girlfriend saved the meal for the five of us. Grandma’s not here anymore, but I got to live in her home for her last Thanksgiving; without a doubt, I am thankful for that memory!

Austin, Holly, Jake, Hillary, Jeff, David, Kristin, Lance, Brandon, Scott, Jeremy, Kellie, Jim, Susan, Dick, Cindy, Michael, Carol, Kyla, Karly, Morgan, Ally, Sam, Michelle, Chase, Dave, Valerie, Melissa, Nadia, Matthew, JP, Phil, and the countless people who have supported me this year, I am incredibly thankful for the presence you have had in my life! I dedicate this post to all of you my family (friend, relative, and church). Again, I thank God for all of you, all you’ve done for me, and what you mean to me. With a prayer of thanksgiving, I am especially grateful, in a different way, for my dad and Holly and continue to pray for the Lord’s healing.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tim “Jimbo” Kellogg 

(While I wrote this, I listened to:)

Human Suffering: Why?

Three years ago, I was asking a lot of questions about God, faith, and theology – even going so far as denying the existence of God. Nevertheless, asking those heavy questions made for a short dance with Atheism, which led to the foot of the cross, a message of grace, and a deeper understanding of what I believe and why I believe it. At that time, my pastor was talking with me about life, how intense my life has been, and if I ever pondered why me and my family go through a lot of hardship. I said, “No, I’m kind of used to it.” Today, I’m asking, “Why?”

I’ve never had much of a theology of human suffering and I stopped believing in Dispensationalism many years ago. If justification (salvation) is not about Eschatology (the end times) and God doesn’t cause our hardships, then why are some protected and sheltered, while others suffer? God must be saving us for something; if not, I don’t have a clue what I’m being saved from. Admittedly, my life has been a bit of a monsoon and it keeps raining hard and heavy – at some level I can live with this – but not today. I’ve watched people hurt, suffer, mourn, weep, die, and bleed more than I’ve ever gotten to see them blessed, smiling, laughing, and “living the dream.”

However, I’m a minister, a biblical scholar, and a theologian; therefore, I’m bound to have some view on this human suffering thing. Human suffering sucks, it’s not balanced in a socialist aspect across humanity, everyone can face hardship, and God allows it. Often, people blame God for the bad stuff in this life. Honestly, I think that’s because people don’t know why. It’s not God’s fault that my sixty-two year old father, who has more health issues than I can list, fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his back for the second time – but, it does piss me off.

Finally, I’m asking “why?” I’m tired of being “used to it.” I’m angry that I have to watch my dad slowly deteriorate every day from a chronic disease, I’m angry that this poor man has to endure a broken back – for the second time – on top of a life threatening disease, and I’m angry that someone, whom I love very much, has sacrificed everything for me; only to suffer for thirty years. In turn, I look to the God I believe to be gracious and loving, and ask a “never-ending why?” 

   

Determination: "I Will Not Bow"

There are many people in this world who have been dealt a rough hand, but, somehow, they keep going through life. Some have argued, I am one of those people. I’m not here to write a laundry-list of bad hands – I’m here to tell you, “I will not bow…” (Breaking Benjamin, “I Will Not Bow”).

Over the past few days, I have been pondering many things; among them, death, courage, resilience, and determination. A few years ago, death raped my heart, for what seemed like the millionth time. The point is, death leaves us forever changed (for more on this thought, visit this link). Forever changed, I’ve had the resilience to push forward. I don’t say that lightly – it takes courage to be resilient. But, where does courage come from?

No matter who we are, everybody’s got something that requires a little courage. My courage stems from many things: faith, love, hope, and experience – more than all of that – my courage is born out of determination. If I had to choose one word to define myself, it would be determined.

For, I am determined to never settle for the flow of heavy cards that have crossed my hand! “I will not bow” because I believe in something that promises better things than bad hands. I believe in a God who knows what it’s like to feel forsaken, I believe in a God who was crucified to a tree, and I believe in a God whose resurrection saved the world, with the best hand in the game. On bad days, determination equates to cursing at God. On average days, determination is proving that “I will not bow,” until God delivers on that better hand. On the best days, determination becomes a living resurrection. I’m a stubborn SOB and an egomaniac to boot; yet, the cross event – death and resurrection – can turn my determination into resurrection.

The Fear of Money

The love of money may be the root of all evil, but what about the fear of money? It goes without saying that one needs money to pay bills, buy food, and survive. Unfortunately, money is not limitless and sometimes we do not have enough of it to make ends meet. That fear is my immediate future. I know I’m not alone in economic struggle, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared.

Honestly, it’s hard for me to admit that not being able to pay my bills makes me fearful because I’ve never liked being attached to money. I never thought I’d be out of work this long, with the interest on school loans racking up, and savings depleting because  bills are more than I bring in each month.

Thankfully, my dad is kind enough to let me live with him for free and feed me as often as he can afford (which he probably does more than he actually should because he doesn’t want me not eating). Also, many of my friends have helped me out whenever they could from meals to taking me traveling for a little piece of mind.

Recently, I’ve talked a lot about how the feeling of failure has weighed down on me mentally and emotionally, but the fear of going bankrupt is a different animal. I am so scared and so overwhelmed by the $108,000 debt that continues to grow in interest. I have tried virtually every avenue of finding employment that I can and continue to come up empty handed.

Thus far, the combination of savings and government assistance have been a blessing that has provided me with funds for three times the amount of time it should have. Nonetheless, if I do not land a job that can begin to rebound my financial deficit, immediately, the rubber will meet the road and I will be bankrupt (and school loans are not easily covered through such action).

In closing, I share my financial worries with you today because I know I’m not alone. I know I need all the prayers I can get and I’m hoping those prayers will bring about a miracle. I believe in miracles (some say I am one) and I haven’t been in such dire need for a miracle in a long time. Thank you for the support and the prayers. Lord, I’m crying for help, please don’t let that go unnoticed.

Trinity Lutheran College Saved My Life

About a year ago, I walked across a stage and received a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Studies, but the time spent at Trinity Lutheran College was about more than the degree. Earning a degree from Trinity is one of the greatest honors of my life. College was something that a lot of people, myself included, thought would never happen for me.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank Dr. Jeff Mallinson for inviting me to attend Trinity Lutheran College – the experience saved my life. In addition to an amazing education, I met a lot of great people along the way at Trinity. I can’t begin to tell you how much I miss them (you) all! Since transferring to Trinity, I’ve had one desire and that’s to make the people of Trinity proud because they gave me so much in such a short time. Today, one of my best friends in the world graduated from Trinity and I am so proud of him and have nothing but respect for him. Lance, you’ve earned this moment and I hope you enjoy it. Also, thank you for the impact you’ve had in my life.

When I think of the value that Trinity Lutheran College has had in my life, I get pretty emotional. Jeff, I know you’d probably rather I not sing your praises because you’re a humble man, but you really did save my life by inviting me to join the Trinity community. I’ll never be able to thank you enough and, sincerely, hope that I make you and the college proud once I get back on my feet.

At present moment, I’m going through the toughest financial season I think I have ever endured and need a job to pay for the education I have received. If it weren’t for my time at Trinity, I’d be in a different place today. Trinity Lutheran College was a door that opened for me in a time of need and struggle. Thus, Trinity holds a very special place for me, as a reminder that doors can be opened, when you least expect them, and if we have the courage to walk through the door who knows how it could change our lives. If I can express gratitude for the college and the people that changed my life – when I am more afraid of not being able to survive than I have ever been – then there’s no telling what I could do with the gifts given to me at Trinity.

Trinity Lutheran College, here’s to making you proud: thank you for the education, thank you for the revolution of faith, thank you for the many friends, and thank you for believing in my abilities.

Behind the Ego

There have been seasons in my life where being alive was an accomplishment, perhaps, a miracle. There have been seasons where I did everything in my power to break through limitations and “the glass-ceiling.” There have been seasons where I did anything to shine and stand out. There have been seasons of arrogance where I wanted to be the best at whatever I did and I wanted the world to know it. And, there have been seasons where I have been humbled.

Born, three pounds, eleven ounces, two months premature, with Cerebral Palsy; I shouldn’t, for all intents and purposes, be here today. Growing up, it was enough to do things that I shouldn’t have been able to accomplish – it was the pursuit of normalcy. Rarely, did I want to be handed anything; I had something to prove and nothing was going to stand in my way. I wanted to be treated, like everyone else, and I wanted to do what was “normal.”

At some point, I abandoned the pursuit of normalcy and sought out “living the impossible.” I’ve skied down mountains without falling, I’ve hung off of mountains upside down, I’ve climbed mountains, I’ve overcome injuries that required surgery, and none of that was enough anymore – I wanted recognition – I wanted to do what other people did and I wanted to do it better than them. Regardless of the odds, I wanted live without limits, to shatter expectations, and stand atop that glass-ceiling. In some cases, I believe I accomplished that and I was satisfied.

Eventually, satisfaction wasn’t attained by defeating the odds – I had to show it off to the world around me. I used to tell stories like this to audiences of people, but I gave the credit to God. Internally, I wanted to “worship God,” but I wanted to shine in the process. I believe I authentically worshiped God and lead others in worship. Nonetheless, if I was going to do anything, I fed off of being a showman. If I was going to preach, I did it with the intent of being different than the rest, if I was going to lead worship music it was going to be different, and if I was going to be “holy” it was going to be different than everyone.

As a result, nothing was off limits in my mind – I would do anything to shine. In truth, I think it’s why my Evangelical roots quit working for me. I was too much of a control freak. The more I stood in front of a crowd preaching, the more I played music for people, and the more holiness I achieved the more it fueled my desire to stand out. One, by one, all of the things I did revealed an ego that kept growing – in many ways, my ego is a monster.

After I turned my attention to accomplishing goals in the academic arena, my ego became brash arrogance. On the inside, I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to be seen, but I felt like I was going places, and I enjoyed the ride. Once I felt comfortable in the ministry field, my non-conformist, degenerate, attitude became public knowledge. I rebelled against the world around me and it would drop me on my face. In every case, I’d get back up and rise to more rebellion.

In the midst of attitude, arrogance, “living the impossible,” shattering expectations, and standing out to the world; I have seen a lot of humility. Hindsight is twenty-twenty; today, I can see the good and the bad results of the competition I’ve carried with myself to never go unnoticed. I went from sitting at home watching Sports Entertainment (pro-wrestling), to being a theater technician, to being totally preoccupied with the ladies, to being stuck in a rut, to overcoming new obstacles, to being a rather pious young Christian, to entering college, to garnering rare attention from the ladies (a real confidence boost), to a lot of heart break, to loosing loved ones, to being extremely cynical, to believing nobody could walk a day in my shoes, to suffering through a faith collapse, to embracing a degree of atheism, to seeing faith through a different lens, to being the first in my immediate family (mom, dad, and sister) to earn a college degree, to landing my dream job, to watching it blow up in my face, to hoping to survive each passing day, and now I’m reevaluating my goals and desires.

Behind the ego, stands a man who thought he’d seen it all, who thought he could do it all, who thought he was the best, who made love his god, who felt he’d earned better recognition than was received, who broke every rule out of defiance, who paraded his intellect over others, who never really enjoyed the humility of Christ in his life, who was inspired, who wanted to inspire, who wanted to entertain, who lived without limits, and who has lived with a lot of attitude. Some people love me and some people hate me. The people that love me have kept my ego in as much check as possible – love has a way of showing us who we really are inside. The people that I hate me, I keep at bay because I fear their criticisms – anger, also, has a way of showing us who we are inside.

In reality, I still want to be admired, I still want to be loved, I still want to shine, and I still want to be the best; however, I want to do things in grace. A decade of attitude is being challenged, but this time, it’s me challenging my attitude. At this moment, simply, being alive is an accomplishment. Behind every ego, mine included, there is a human being hurting to find the best way to live their dreams – even if that dream seems simple to someone else.

Deeper than Blood

Most people that know me, are aware that Mother’s Day is a day of mixed and, usually, loaded emotions. This year was no different. Mother’s Day was the last time I spoke to my mom before she passed away, a few days later (that was three years ago) . A couple of my dear friends have made the anniversaries memorable. I want to say a few words of tribute to a select few friends who mean the world to me.

Beginning with Jake, a husband, and a self-employed business man, is my best friend in the world – not discounting the others on this list – he has seen me at my best and my worst and understands me in a way that cannot be taught. There is no truth that this man hasn’t heard from my lips and we’re like brothers for it – he gets me in a way I don’t allow others to see. Thank you for being there for me through moments of darkness and joy – I never feel the need to hide anything from you.

Continuing with Kellie; she’s a bright young woman that humbles me with her heart every day. If Jake has the eyes of truth in my life, Kellie has the heart that can beat for others when theirs cannot beat. She would say I give her too much credit, but I have to give credit where credit is due. The power of Kellie’s heart for others is awe-inspiring and humbling. I don’t have half the heart she does. Kellie’s heart defines her and has been a source of lifeblood for me (and others I’m sure). Thank you Kellie for making this Mother’s Day special; I couldn’t ask for a better, more dedicated, friend than you.

Allegorically, Jake is the eyes, Kellie is the heart, and Austin is the laughter in my body of friends. Austin and I have traveled a similar road, which allows him to understand parts of my life differently from anyone else. Humor and laughter is what brings our interconnectedness together. Thank you, man, for having faith in my ability to do ministry when I felt like the Church left me out-to-dry and thank you for all the laughter you bring to my life.

Additionally, my body of friends has its eyes, its heart, its laugh, and its voice of artistry. David (aka the good looking Jew) lives in my world of dreams: he can sing, he’s an amazing musician, and he’s happily married. Because David has lived out some of my dreams, he understands my desire to creatively express myself better than anyone. He inspires me to keep seeking my dreams.

Frankly, one can’t have eyes that see, a heart that feels, a laughter full of joy, and a voice that creates without a mind. Lance is the friend – more than all others – who brings intellect to my life. I would say Lance is smarter than me, but he usually tells me to “shut up” when I say that and provides a counter argument. The one thing I have never forgotten about Lance is how he made the first Mother’s Day after my mom’s death memorable. He had the presence of mind to just sit and talk with me (much like Kellie had the presence of heart this year to do the same). As the mind, Lance comprehends where I’m at in life, while raising the intellectual bar. Thank you, brother.

Graciously, the conscience that helps to keep all the other elements in check is Jeff. I like to think of Jeff as the guy who brings me down to earth, with a loving ability to challenge me towards growth. Jeff is, unquestionably, a blessing in my life. Thank you Jeff for all you do!

Exemplarily, Scott is the wisdom in my life. I’m the type of person that doesn’t like to take advice from others – even if I ask for it – and Scott has shared enough wisdom in my life that I try to never overlook the raw authenticity of what he speaks into my life. He fostered my faith as a youth, he’s cared for me like a second dad, and he’s become one of the guys. Scott’s been around for almost every major event in my life, helping shape who I am today – his wisdom is irreplaceable. Thank you brother!

In love and respect, I would not be who I am or survived where I’ve been without these people. I love Jake because I never have to lie to him or hide from him – he truly meets me where I’m at without any expectation – Jake is totally unconditional as a friend. I only hope I’ve been half as good in return.

In juxtaposition, I love and appreciate Kellie’s friendship because the heart has what it takes to help one feel, to be humble, and to sacrifice for others Kellie has been amazing at bringing out my heart. It’s not easy for someone, like me, to say that a nineteen-year-old young woman has what it takes to humble me in the most sincere and gentle ways. Kellie – and the heart that defines her – is a walking source of inspiration in my life.

Similarly, I love Austin because he gets to see me as a professional colleague and in the most relaxed settings. Together, we’re like youth, playfully, making the best of our journeys through life.

Likewise, I love David because he always knows where to find the best in me. He’s talented and good looking – just like me – but really draws out the best of my artistic desires.

Correspondingly, I love Lance because he understands the true gift of my mind and the most dangerous one of my mouth. However, he intellectually and lovingly challenges me to excel with these gifts – he raised the bar for how I think, by challenging my prior views.

Furthermore, I love Jeff because I think of him as an inspiration for balance in my life – he’s the kind of guy that can talk you through chaotic spots – and he lives out good ethics in a way that gets my attention (no pressure, man, it’s a part of your nature).

Last, but not least, I love Scott because without his imparted wisdom, I was lacking direction in my life for a long time – wisdom is the crux of life.

I love and thank you all for being my friends; it’s hard to single out who my best friends are (whether on this list or not) because every friend I have brings something special to my life. Nonetheless, these individuals stand out because they bring forth the very best of who I am – in spite of the worst of who I am – they are impossible not to love!

Challenging my Own Ideas and Adopted Views

Currently, I am reading The Science of God by Alister E. McGrath (which I will, likely, post on when I am finished with the book). At the moment, I want to focus on a quote from the book that has prompted some theological self-reflection. “If people are convinced of the rightness of their own position, there is inevitably a temptation to control or destroy those who disagree with them.” Herein, I will challenge some of my own ideas and adopted views.

Before I get started, it is important to note that I take up the practices, positions, ideas, and work of many who have come before me to develop the ongoing discourse of my beliefs. “I stand upon the shoulders of giants” (Isaac Newton). I have taken on the label Post-Evangelical Lutheran. Deconstructing that label, its implications, its meaning, and its purpose, do I claim to be a Post-Evangelical because I have completely moved on to another way of thinking or because I take issue with the Evangelical movement and culture, for the impact it has had upon my life? Yes.

Furthermore, do I take up the Post-Evangelical label because I think I’m better than or, somehow, smarter than Evangelicals? Honestly, yes. I held those views, at one point, and was driven to atheism. In my arrogance, I have said some harsh things about Evangelicalism and its followers. Admitting the things above warrants the label, "conceited." Ironically, hearing such personal character descriptions incited arrogant behavior (not to justify the attitude).

In retrospect, I’ve been so adamant I was right to abandon Evangelical beliefs that I ignored grace. How far have I taken my frustration with Evangelical Christianity? Further than necessary. Last I checked, hatred, control, and destruction are not the goals of a Christ-like worldview. Therefore, I apologize, but maintain the integrity of my current theological perspectives. Arguably, I’ve gotten my comeuppance for my anti-Evangelical propaganda. I know it’s not very “Christ-like” for me to spew words of hate upon anyone for any reason.

In conjunction, I turn to the Lutheran piece. After twenty-four years of being an Evangelical (a title I never acknowledged) why did I turn to Lutheranism? Becoming a Lutheran was a slow process. In the words of a former pastor (a dear friend, who happens to be Evangelical) I was, “a Nonconformist-Christian.” I didn’t like labels. Nevertheless, the concept of divine grace was the biggest challenge and, simultaneously, the biggest draw to Lutheran theology. I was in a place of asking questions, I wasn’t ready to rest on any one idea. Until, I learned about the Theology of the Cross, which is radically different from my Evangelical roots.

After twelve years with the Salvation Army, where I vehemently refused to take on a label, I adopted the Theology of the Cross and Lutheran traditions. Salvationist and a Lutheran views are theological polar-opposites. Regardless, I respect, applaud, and model the community service practices – the Salvation Army has the best outreach-mission I have ever seen in the Christian Church. However, the Theology of Glory is what drove me to deny the existence of God (at one point). This realization, prompted me to denounce Evangelicalism. Truly, I found freedom in the Lutheran depictions of God’s grace. Once I accepted that things would never be the same for me, I decided to explore the Theology of the Cross and teachings of the Lutheran Church. My transition to Lutheranism was an about-face, a declaration of newly adopted theology, and I had an outsiders understanding of Lutheranism and the Theology of the Cross. Ergo, I felt I could not ignore my Evangelical roots, but have no plans to return to them. Thus, I coined the personal label of Post-Evangelical Lutheran.

In the aftermath, do I think that everyone ought to be a Lutheran? No, the Church has different denominations to maintain balance and challenge one another. The Theology of the Cross, within Lutheranism, is the only view that makes sense to me. Today, I sit here pretty humble. I’m not better than anyone or their beliefs. I recognize that Lutherans, Evangelicals, Baptists, Charismatic Protestants, Catholics, and many others are a part of one Church – the body of Christ. We may not agree, we may not understand one another, and we may fall prey to the notion of rightness, but we are one Church and one body.

Finally, criticizing my own opinions and adopted views doesn’t negate that I have hurt many people with my words or been hurt by the words of others. Only by the grace of Christ will there be absolution and forgiveness. I am at peace with calling myself a Post-Evangelical Lutheran and hope that I can peacefully disagree with those who hold to different views. Totalitarianism isn’t the answer, destroying the opposition isn’t the answer, Unitarianism isn’t the answer. The answer I long for is a conversation of grace in Jesus Christ.

Dancing with Anger

Anger used to dominate my behavioral reactions to situations in life. Since 2006, I have put in a lot of time and effort to improve that reality and make anger less of a factor in my life.  I hate being angry because it has so much potential to escalate to  unhealthy levels. I enjoy being kind to people and understanding of people. Occasionally, I find myself feeling as though that kindness and attempt at gentleness get mistreated.

Nonetheless, efforts to minimize my anger and be more constructive have, for the most part, paid off. I have noticed a lot less volatility in my life over the past five years. I’m very grateful to a short list of counselors for helping me establish boundaries and find constructive expression. Progress aside, I still dance with anger from time-to-time and when that happens I feel like I’m Dr. Jekyll, transforming into Mr. Hyde. I thank my dad for showing me, through his own stories and experiences, that being angry is not how I wanted to live and counseling helped me work that out.

Now, when I dance with anger, it’s almost hard to believe that I can still go into that anger zone. Dancing with anger is an honest reminder that I can make progress in my life, I can seek a low stress and laid back way of life, I can be as gentle as they come, and I will never eliminate the ability to tap into anger because of the sin condition.

Finally, consider this as a thank you to those who have paid me compliments, telling me that I am “articulate” and an “inspiration;” I’ve been really thankful for those kind words because they remind me there is decent stuff to fight for in life. Although, I may not combat my anger flawlessly, fighting against the dance with anger is better for my health.

Deconstructing and Rebuilding Dreams

In order for me to build new dreams, I have to deconstruct the dreams that have shaped who I am today. For over five years, I’ve been an active Youth Worker (as a volunteer and a professional)  and it is hard to see what is next for me in the ministry world. For more years than I can count, I’ve had one dream and that is to fall madly in love. These two things have driven my passions, brought out controversy, given me the times of my life, covered me in doubt, allowed me to give with more than I ever imagined possible, and left me very humbled. In fact, love and ministry have defined me – they have left me a changed man.

In a few of my posts, I have made it clear that my dream to be in love has undergone some serious evaluation and change. The question is, what do I do with those reevaluations? There are moments where I think the best thing for me would be to step away from dating altogether and pursue other goals. Yet, those moments are balanced with a desire not to sink into cynicism – I’ve been there and it’s not where I want to live. In turn, the best thing for me is to focus on my new developing goals and let love happen in the right timing. Of course, I’m not sure what that is because I’m notorious for bad timing. What is clear, is that my life is changing, and I don’t want to be stuck hurting over the way things have gone or dwelling on how I wish they would go differently.

In similar fashion, my time in the ministry field has had its share of ups and downs; it’s left me pondering what’s next and I’m not sure I have a clear idea. I love ministry, but ministry and I have sometimes been a dysfunctional family. It’s no secret that I’ve pushed the envelope, that I’ve created controversy at times, or that my attitude hasn’t always been in the game. The measure of my skills and character have been tested many times, but nothing like this past year. Right or wrong, I made mistakes in learning how to run a ministry that cost me my job and nothing has humbled me more than this experience. All I can do, is hope to move forward. I love God and I love ministry, but I need some inspiration. Thankfully, one of my best friends knew that I had love and talent for ministry and brought me onto his ministry team – it’s helped bring out smiles.

Nonetheless, my career and my life have been stuck because of the past. I constantly ponder whether this level of transparency helps or hurts my standing in ministry. This never-ending pondering, makes me wonder if my time in ministry has hit a precipice for change, letting go, and growing forward. I am not ready to retire from the ministry life.

In the past year, I feel as though I’ve found my limits or they have found me. Whether in love or ministry, I am on my knees, praying and seeking forgiveness. I want to live a dream. I’m the one that has to look myself in the mirror each day and realize that this is not where I wanted or expected my life to be after the journeys I’ve been blessed to have. Therefore, I pray for strength to have hope in a dream, confidence in my skills and abilities, and light in the midst of darkness. Lord, I need some inspiration, strength, and the ability to endure; so that I might share the gifts you’ve given me to inspire others.

Maundy Thursday: Trial and Forgiveness

Tonight, I celebrated my second Maundy Thursday as a Lutheran and it was a beautiful, moving, experience. I haven’t forgotten Evangelical services I used to attend that gravitated towards an emotional response. But, this was very different. Now, I don’t long for or rely on emotions to move me spiritually. This evening, I had a genuine religious experience of emotion.

Truthfully, spirituality is not my thing these days – it’s been replaced by religion and orthodoxy. After practicing Lent, legitimately, for the first time in my life, I have had a lot of self-reflection. I gave up Facebook because it had become a large element of my life. God didn’t tell me to give up the social network, I’m sure the divine one would come up with something better than Facebook. I thought it would aid the process of reflection that I’ve been facing – I had no idea what I was in for – Lent has been a rude awakening.

Within the confines of Lent, my life has had some pretty major changes.  What do these things have to do with Lent and reflecting on sin and mortality? Potentially, nothing, but the season has changed my life.

When you take all that has happened during this Lent season into account, one can imagine that I’ve had a heavy heart. Christ’s death on the cross was and continues to be victorious over the condition of sin and its little individual sins that tag along for the ride. Right now, I am living in the forgiveness of the Lord; more than, simply, remembering it. In a way, I’d say one has to endure a little bit of death before they’re free to live. Of course, this may be subject to debate. The bottom line is that I was told to my face that my sin was forgiven and I felt it so much that I held back tears because I was too overjoyed to cry. Last, but not least, thank you Lord for not fast-forwarding me out this time of trial. Because, tonight wouldn’t mean what it does if you had produced an easier way out of life's hardships.

For Whom the Bell Tolls: the Seasons Change

When the bell of change tolls we can ride it like a resounding gong or let it fade into indifference. The bell tolls for me. I face the next chapter of my life and I’ve chosen to face it differently. Never, did I think my dreams would change. Sadly, some dreams were not enough for me to ride the gong. A lot of self-evaluation has shown me, timing is important.

The bell tolls for me, yet again, as I face the fate of a different future. Soon, I will know whether I am up against surgery number ten or a road of physical therapy – the more things change, the more they stay the same. In this case, I will ride the resounding gong and do what must be done to return to a strong and healthy state. Having been through similar trials, I know this will take all the endurance and sacrifice I can muster – it is my priority.

Earlier today, I was reminded of prior bell toll of change. In about six weeks, it will have been three years since the passing of my mother. Remembering this event, I know that the bell tolls for us all and I am thankful for my place in life no matter how challenging it may be. God has provided, I may not have everything the way I’d like it, but life could be much worse, or the final bell could toll and it could end. The more I learn, the less I know as I walk down this road. I thank God for all that I have and for all that has come and gone.