Subordinate to Inconsideration

There is a difference between pity and understanding. One is inconsiderate and doesn't last; the other, is truly defined by redemption, tolerance, compassion, and respect. I feel like people can be truly inconsiderate of my feelings, needs, and emotions. Now, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t mention that I’ve been guilty of this myself. In any case, here are my issues and concerns:

First, I have Cerebral Palsy and am currently rehabilitating a, slow-healing, hamstring injury. Please, don’t assume that I can keep physical pace with you. Frankly, I never could before the injury; however, this lack of consideration in light of the injury makes me feel belittled, disrespected, and inferior. This frustrates me. Nonetheless, I would hope that the average person can respect that there are some things I simply cannot or should not do and it is not because I’m lazy. Honestly, I hate even talking about my limitations because I’ll push myself harder to keep pace with other people. I’m sensitive about saying the words, “I can’t do that” or “I shouldn’t do that.” If someone tells me to, “suck it up,” the problem is, I will, and I won’t tell them that I don’t appreciate their lack of consideration

Second, I haven’t found a job yet and have, more or less, tapped out my bank account. I tell people this every day and I do not enjoy it. In truth, I loathe it because I feel like a leach and a broken record. I don’t want to put anyone in the position of feeling obligated to pay for me. I don’t have a job and went bankrupt; unfortunately, school loans are not easily covered under bankruptcy. I hope one can be considerate of the fact that the imposition of my situation on others causes me great pain.

Third, I joke about being an “asshole” or a “bitch” because it helps me deal with the hurt and because, sometimes, I actually believe those things must be true if people say them about me. Honestly, I’d rather not feel like I’m perceived to be an “asshole” (though I do accept that I can be and have been known to be arrogant). In relation, the term “bitch” has a similar effect to “asshole,” but it’s more because I feel like one – subordinate to the will of others – because I can’t bring myself to say, “No.” Frankly, I only have one friend who has ever truly acknowledged these realities, without me saying something, and I love him for it.

Forth, I have become more passive-aggressive than I ever have been because so many people told me that I didn’t treat people with diplomacy. In response, I drastically reduced my use of colorful language in my writings, I accepted responsibility for being unemployed, I swallowed my hurt and frustration when I felt offended, and I even censored one of my songs. In turn, I resemble someone who is passive-aggressive and cannot communicate their feelings. I keep more silent than one might think, out of diplomacy, tact, professionalism, and a desire to pay my bills again someday. “The Man” wins, I will play “the game,” but I ask people to consider the cost – I engage in the idea of diplomacy willingly, not because I like it, but because my will has been broken – in caging all that is “negative” about my personality, there have been many positive casualties.

Fifth, my lovely “liberal” friends, tolerance and diversity is a great pursuit, but one must be considerate enough to their more “conservative” opponents to achieve this goal (yes, I know I am guilty of failing to do this). On the flip side, my “conservative” brothers and sisters, if I disagree with you on ethics that does not make me immoral – nor does it mean I have low standards. It is one thing to champion for the acceptance and equality of the LGBTQ communities and individuals in the courts and the Church; it is another to single any group out, as if to say, the courts and the Church only alienate this one group of people. It is one thing to say or imply that homosexuality is a sin – a question I find irrelevant for a number of reasons – it is another to be a part of the Church and deny compassion, love, and grace to anyone for any reason. In a balanced, moderate, clarification, I love the LGBTQ individuals I have met, so does Jesus, they can and do produce amazing work in the name of God, and I’m not concerned with whether or not it’s a sin.

In juxtaposition, I want to extend all people groups the same love, respect, compassion, and grace because everyone needs these things. I will not place a greater emphasis on loving any one group (“liberal,” “conservative,” GLBTQ, Evangelical, agnostic, atheist, or otherwise). Love the sinner, love the saint, and leave the redemption of sin – and/or the perception of sin – to the Lord. Why do we hate when the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a proclamation of love? In the words of Lady Gaga, “I want to love you, but something’s pulling me away from you; Jesus is my virtue, Judas is the demon I cling to.” This, my friends, is the result of Original Sin, which alienates us all more than any one sin or sins.

Finally, I share these things not seeking pity, not seeking rebellion, not seeking a fight, not indulging in immorality (or the perception thereof) Ultimately, I share with you so you may understand that I feel subordinate to inconsideration.

Behind the Ego

There have been seasons in my life where being alive was an accomplishment, perhaps, a miracle. There have been seasons where I did everything in my power to break through limitations and “the glass-ceiling.” There have been seasons where I did anything to shine and stand out. There have been seasons of arrogance where I wanted to be the best at whatever I did and I wanted the world to know it. And, there have been seasons where I have been humbled.

Born, three pounds, eleven ounces, two months premature, with Cerebral Palsy; I shouldn’t, for all intents and purposes, be here today. Growing up, it was enough to do things that I shouldn’t have been able to accomplish – it was the pursuit of normalcy. Rarely, did I want to be handed anything; I had something to prove and nothing was going to stand in my way. I wanted to be treated, like everyone else, and I wanted to do what was “normal.”

At some point, I abandoned the pursuit of normalcy and sought out “living the impossible.” I’ve skied down mountains without falling, I’ve hung off of mountains upside down, I’ve climbed mountains, I’ve overcome injuries that required surgery, and none of that was enough anymore – I wanted recognition – I wanted to do what other people did and I wanted to do it better than them. Regardless of the odds, I wanted live without limits, to shatter expectations, and stand atop that glass-ceiling. In some cases, I believe I accomplished that and I was satisfied.

Eventually, satisfaction wasn’t attained by defeating the odds – I had to show it off to the world around me. I used to tell stories like this to audiences of people, but I gave the credit to God. Internally, I wanted to “worship God,” but I wanted to shine in the process. I believe I authentically worshiped God and lead others in worship. Nonetheless, if I was going to do anything, I fed off of being a showman. If I was going to preach, I did it with the intent of being different than the rest, if I was going to lead worship music it was going to be different, and if I was going to be “holy” it was going to be different than everyone.

As a result, nothing was off limits in my mind – I would do anything to shine. In truth, I think it’s why my Evangelical roots quit working for me. I was too much of a control freak. The more I stood in front of a crowd preaching, the more I played music for people, and the more holiness I achieved the more it fueled my desire to stand out. One, by one, all of the things I did revealed an ego that kept growing – in many ways, my ego is a monster.

After I turned my attention to accomplishing goals in the academic arena, my ego became brash arrogance. On the inside, I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to be seen, but I felt like I was going places, and I enjoyed the ride. Once I felt comfortable in the ministry field, my non-conformist, degenerate, attitude became public knowledge. I rebelled against the world around me and it would drop me on my face. In every case, I’d get back up and rise to more rebellion.

In the midst of attitude, arrogance, “living the impossible,” shattering expectations, and standing out to the world; I have seen a lot of humility. Hindsight is twenty-twenty; today, I can see the good and the bad results of the competition I’ve carried with myself to never go unnoticed. I went from sitting at home watching Sports Entertainment (pro-wrestling), to being a theater technician, to being totally preoccupied with the ladies, to being stuck in a rut, to overcoming new obstacles, to being a rather pious young Christian, to entering college, to garnering rare attention from the ladies (a real confidence boost), to a lot of heart break, to loosing loved ones, to being extremely cynical, to believing nobody could walk a day in my shoes, to suffering through a faith collapse, to embracing a degree of atheism, to seeing faith through a different lens, to being the first in my immediate family (mom, dad, and sister) to earn a college degree, to landing my dream job, to watching it blow up in my face, to hoping to survive each passing day, and now I’m reevaluating my goals and desires.

Behind the ego, stands a man who thought he’d seen it all, who thought he could do it all, who thought he was the best, who made love his god, who felt he’d earned better recognition than was received, who broke every rule out of defiance, who paraded his intellect over others, who never really enjoyed the humility of Christ in his life, who was inspired, who wanted to inspire, who wanted to entertain, who lived without limits, and who has lived with a lot of attitude. Some people love me and some people hate me. The people that love me have kept my ego in as much check as possible – love has a way of showing us who we really are inside. The people that I hate me, I keep at bay because I fear their criticisms – anger, also, has a way of showing us who we are inside.

In reality, I still want to be admired, I still want to be loved, I still want to shine, and I still want to be the best; however, I want to do things in grace. A decade of attitude is being challenged, but this time, it’s me challenging my attitude. At this moment, simply, being alive is an accomplishment. Behind every ego, mine included, there is a human being hurting to find the best way to live their dreams – even if that dream seems simple to someone else.

Dancing with Anger

Anger used to dominate my behavioral reactions to situations in life. Since 2006, I have put in a lot of time and effort to improve that reality and make anger less of a factor in my life.  I hate being angry because it has so much potential to escalate to  unhealthy levels. I enjoy being kind to people and understanding of people. Occasionally, I find myself feeling as though that kindness and attempt at gentleness get mistreated.

Nonetheless, efforts to minimize my anger and be more constructive have, for the most part, paid off. I have noticed a lot less volatility in my life over the past five years. I’m very grateful to a short list of counselors for helping me establish boundaries and find constructive expression. Progress aside, I still dance with anger from time-to-time and when that happens I feel like I’m Dr. Jekyll, transforming into Mr. Hyde. I thank my dad for showing me, through his own stories and experiences, that being angry is not how I wanted to live and counseling helped me work that out.

Now, when I dance with anger, it’s almost hard to believe that I can still go into that anger zone. Dancing with anger is an honest reminder that I can make progress in my life, I can seek a low stress and laid back way of life, I can be as gentle as they come, and I will never eliminate the ability to tap into anger because of the sin condition.

Finally, consider this as a thank you to those who have paid me compliments, telling me that I am “articulate” and an “inspiration;” I’ve been really thankful for those kind words because they remind me there is decent stuff to fight for in life. Although, I may not combat my anger flawlessly, fighting against the dance with anger is better for my health.